La Douleur Exquise

“It hurts to love someone not be loved in return but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel.” 

I took my courage to tell everything how I feel to that man I always love wanted to be mine but I can’t because it’s always been complicated.

The title fits me so well! This is not an english word but it’s french which describes how I always felt and wanting to express it but I couldn’t.

There are times im over thinking the future! There’s so many what ifs wandering to my mind. Suddenly, a tears fell when I think of someone I love loving the person I know very well from the beginning of my journey at my teenage life.

Couldn’t imagine I messed up like this. Couldnt imagine why I felt like this? Couldnt imagine why my heart chose him? Why not the others? I couldn’t find the answers to my questions.

Trying to pull out the arrow inside my chest. Trying to set myself free from pain, love, hatred and guilt. Yes! I feel guilty for choosing you, for loving you for a decade years. No one knows about this except for my best friend and your love. I honestly admit these things in front of her because I want to be honest with her. We’re really good friends for better or for worst. All she knows is I just like you but as time goes by I started to feel strange and realized that I love you.

You’re getting into my nerves every time I saw your face in the picture. Everytime i see your pictures I keep on asking to myself why I fall for you? Where do i started to fall for you?

We never talked before, we never had a little chitchat cause i’m a bit shy to greet you. All my classmates were so close to you except her and me.

I’ve known you as a responsible person with strong personality. A genuine guy like you likes to have fun with everybody, your famous, everybody likes you a lot. And that’s what makes you more special.

While you keep on chasing your first love there’s someone secretly loving you forever. You will never be mine and I knew that from the beginning. I regret from all those years I don’t let go my feelings it just stayed and grew until I realized I still love you til now!

It’s better to keep it secret that i’m longing for your love. 😢

Happy birthday, J!